Archive for the ‘ Random Funny Stuff ’ Category

Top 10 Types of Facebook/ Twitter Updates

Tweets, Facebook updates, LinkedIn updates… The pressure to answer that ‘what are you doing?’ seems to have afflicted all of us. Am sure your daily newsfeed is full of such updates, some that you enjoy, some that annoy and some that you just want to hide. Thought it would be good to categorize these (am guilty of some of these myself). You can share any that I have missed! And hey, don’t get offended. Chill.

1. The Location Flogger:
This person got onto Foursquare and got all excited, so linked everything to the Foursquare account. Now you know where this person is on a second to second basis. “AW checked into his own office” every morning, no doubt that’s where you should be… “at the international airport”… “at the shady bar down the street”… “In the 8th floor loo”… There isn’t a place the person hasn’t checked in. And soon become the ‘Mayor of random roadside streetlight”. Unless one is trying to establish an alibi for a murder investigation, it’s hard to see why every check-in is news-worthy.

2. The Self-Conversationalist:
This person believes that the way to talk to oneself is through the update. So the updates will be incomprehensible to anyone else. “JM said I rock in MZY 5 years ago & I think I am still the goddess of FGJKTY” Say what?! Who’s JM? What’s FGJKTY? You will never know even if you ask. You’ll probably get a smiley in response.
Or there will be something supposedly intriguing like “can’t stop smiling” to which some unsuspecting friend will say ‘I think I know why’ & the response will be “you think you know but I know you really don’t 🙂 🙂 🙂” at which point said friend will give up, as will everyone else. Until it’s repeated.

3. The Apportunist:
If an app has launched, it must be tried, & must be allowed to keep updating the status for everything possible that’s inane. Who’s my celebrity lover, what animal cub am I, dhongibaba ki bhavishyavani, boredville, flutopia, crystalballfengshuihorroscopetarotparrotiser, there isn’t a thing that hasn’t been tried and broadcasted and invites sent out for. In fact there are no updates of any other kind. The newsfeed is full of farms, animals, restaurants, wars, zoos.

4. The Self-Promoter:
Whether this person was featured in page 16, bottom-most corner buried beneath articles like ‘experts say exercise leads to weight loss’ & got exactly 5 words or whether this person’s tweet wishing Mallika happy birthday was randomly picked by Bombay Times as ‘Fans wish Mallika’, you will know about it. And not through the element of surprise either! This will be updated across Facebook, LinkedIn & Twitter so you don’t have a hope in hell of missing it. This will continue for any of the 15 bytes of fame this person gets.

5. The (Non-stop) Commentator:
This person wants everyone to know about everything that’s happening around him/ her, no matter how interesting (not). “f***ing traffic crawling at a snail’s pace”, “frequent flyer lounge seems to be less crowded today”, “guy next to me in the train is looking over my shoulder as I type this”, “there are crows kawing outside”, “driving, car next to me playing munni badnaam, it rockz!”, “Monday is here again”… No matter how innocuous, it will be shared.

6. The Ranter:
This person uses the status update as a venting machine. Whether it’s a product that isn’t liked or the GPRS has gone off or the Blackberry is hung or the favourite team is losing the game or the boss left early and he/ she’s staying late or the tea in office is bad… You get the drift. Everything sucks, or is #fail. In fact they are also most likely also say “my job sucks” when everyone including the boss can read it. You really want to tell them to calm down for fear of them suffering from blood pressure or heart ailments.

7. The Armchair Activist/ Critic:
A close cousin of The Ranter, this person could solve all the problems of the world, if he/ she were not tweeting or facebooking. Too bad they are too busy doing all this so they can’t run the country. “What was the govt thinking” “no other solution to inflation worries except…” “nothing in this country will ever work when so- and- so is minister”, “Kashmir issue can be easily solved if we…”, ” what was Chidu thinking”… No doubt there maybe some valid point, but constantly putting it up here isn’t going to change anything, is it?

8. The Quoter/ World Peace Finder:
Believes that he/ she can change the world either by quoting something deeply philosophical or spiritual or by writing messages about loving your brothers & sisters. “Let us pray together, I will pray for everyone’s happiness” “start your day with a smile & pass it onto strangers till it comes back to you”. The Quoter finds a famous phrase and shares it everyday, many times forgetting to give credit to the original creator, & amassing ‘likes’/ retweets with comments such as ‘wonderful’, ‘lovely’, conveniently pocketing praise for something someone said 200 years ago.

9. The Incomprehensible:
“lyf rockzzz n den getz u kut in peesez”. Self explanatory, right?

10. The Joker:
Funny guy with a great knack for punning and for finding the funny in everyday life. These updates are a laugh- riot and non-stop entertainment. Needless to say these are popular and appreciated and people look forward to them to brighten up their day.

Note: Any resemblance to person or persons is coincidental (or not)

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India And The Art of Honking

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What is it about us in India and honking? This is something we have perfected as a skill over the years. The Art of Honking. My quiet neighbourhood has transformed into a busy lane with cars honking at all hours of the day & night with scant regard for it’s residential status. What’s worse is that the horns have gotten louder & shriller & are guaranteed to cause a pounding headache should you so desire to leave your windows open. In most countries, it is considered rude to honk and is only done in the case of emergencies. But here it’s non-stop. I have now learned to distinguish these from the countless cars that disturb the peace every second.

The Vuvuzela Rival Honking

Even before the World Cup happened, we had Vuvuzela equivalents – lean on the horn all the way down the road you are driving on, trying to get a hapless auto or other slow driver to give you space, where there is none. The belief is that honking non-stop will make the driver in front of you abandon his vehicle out of fear of debilitating damage to his eardrums. Invariably these honkers also have the loudest & most shrill horns and leave you with a repugnant feeling that’s equivalent to nails scratching a blackboard. This is why the Vuvuzela is so popular in India. There are already practitioners here.

Horn OK Please Inspired Honking

We have all grown up seeing this great sign painted on the back of every truck. Many of us seem to have taken this to heart as ‘it’s OK to honk’. in fact, says Wikipedia, “The popular ‘Horn OK Please’ seen on almost all trucks in India bears its roots in the second world war where the trucks were run on kerosene engines. Kerosene, being highly unstable in nature, would cause the trucks to explode at the slightest accident. Hence a warning would be painted on the back saying ‘Horn Please,On Kerosene’.Gradually this became a norm and is still seen on most trucks even today.” There are other explanations on the same wiki. But I am going this one.

I suppose, somewhere along the way, the part about kerosene got lost, and it became only about honking. So it’s OK to honk, and because it’s OK, it must be done at the slightest opportunity. Traffic slowing down? HONK. Traffic jammed & nothing moving for miles? HONK. Person crossing the street? HONK. Cyclist in your path? HONK. Building gate closed? HONK. Don’t like that you have to yield to “right of way”? HONK. Want to double park your car on a busy street? HONK. It’s all OK, please.

I Am Behind You Honking

There’s another set who honk for no apparent reason even if the traffic is moving smoothly and no pedestrian is jumping onto the road. The motivation for this appears to be purely as a warning for the car in front. In case, for some freakish reason that car is not equipped with a rear-view mirror, or it’s there but the driver forgets to look into it, this constant beep-beep is to remind them that there is a car behind them. After all, it’s so unexpected in our traffic, isn’t it?

Just In Case Honking

There’s another breed that believes that one should honk just in case… after all, life is unpredictable, you never what will happen next. So keep honking just in case someone or something materializes out of nowhere. I believe that this nifty trick is taught in our driving schools (as narrated by a friend who’s mum learnt driving) – just keep honking, to be on the safe side. Nevermind if no one else can understand what’s got your goat.

Watch The Signal Honking

This honking occurs the maximum within the 5 seconds before & after a signal turns green & is meant to test the reflex actions of drivers in front. Heaven forbid the driver has managed to relax for 20 seconds at a red traffic light, this incessant honking is a public service to alert him/ her that the signal is about to turn green & to prod them into moving their car at the very instant the light changes. Even a miniscule forward movement (that achieves nothing because no cars are moving yet) is enough to assure these drivers that you do in fact intend to move your car & are not just waiting at the signal for the joy of it.

Do you know more such honking traits? Feel free to comment!

Image source: Zazzle.com

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In a typical day in Advertising…

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This began as a series of tweets, and i was asked by a few people to do a blog post, which i am now, almost a month later. Well, i got  here didn’t I? When you spend a long enough time in the advertising industry, it’s inevitable that all of these and more will happen to you. The good thing is you can laugh at them. Feel free to contribute yours!

In a typical day in advertising…

… ‘our budget is need-based’ & ‘we have limited budgets’ are often in the same brief

… there are more designations than clear role definitions

… TG descriptions often read like FBI profiles of psychopaths & but are supposed to be ‘mass’

… the most abused word is ‘strategy’

… that sinking feeling you get in the pit of your stomach is caused by the word ‘pitch’

… if you leave work on time, someone comments say ‘oh, half day?’

… asap doesn’t mean ‘as soon as possible’, it means ‘right now’

… one line briefs are expected to generate 100 slide ppts

… deadlines are given before the brief

… the brief changes during the final iterative strategy presentation to the CMO

… everything that was ‘urgently’ needed in a matter of hours, now lies in the recipient’s inbox for days

… if you don’t have a crisis on your hands, you worry whether everything is ok

… the job list you start your day with is not what you end your day with

For more on the subject, check out some tongue in cheek videos

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Laws of Driving in Mumbai

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Enough has been written about the driving skills (or lack thereof) of people in Mumbai (those in delhi are in a different league altogether, beyond description). This is my form of ranting about the same thing – better than road rage, right? usually I ignore most of the random behaviour but every once in a while, it can get to you. Hence this post.

Laws of Light

1. Headlights are to be used full beam on well lighted roads to blind oncoming traffic.
Corollary: if you own a black and yellow taxi, you will never use the headlights at anytime, as you fear getting a whopping bill from Reliance Energy.
2. Indicators are only to be used when parked in no-parking zones, as distress lights. You don’t need to use them to indicate which way you are turning.
3. Traffic will magically move faster if you keep flashing the car headlights at the vehicle which is 6 inches ahead of you.

Laws of Speed

1. The faster you change lanes, the faster you will reach your destination.
2. Bursting out of a small lane onto a main road at full speed will ensure all other cars are magically scattered away from you.
3. If you scrape past cars at full speed cutting from one lane to the next, you will become Superman.
4. If you have an SUV behind you, you will lose speed instantly. Because it will run you off the road.

Laws of Sound

1. Unless you start honking at the very instant a traffic light turns green, you will never reach your destination.
2. The longer you lean on the horn, the faster the car ahead of you will move, even in bumper to bumper traffic.

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12 random facts

got this from a friend who blogs at Quip Pro Quo & at Travelbytes. i have been tagged and need to write 12 random facts/ habits about myself. so here goes.
1. i love starting my day with good music & spending it with a good book.
2. i really really want a dog but a mumbai city apartment life is not fair for the dog, so i have put that off until i go live somewhere more pet friendly.
3. i love the rain & i love visiting places with natural beauty.
4. someday i want to live on a mountain.
5. my favourite foods are fruit and chocolate.
6. i feel guilty when i don’t exercise.
7. i believe in being true to myself & to having integrity at all times.
8. i am a sucker for a good romantic film (without cliches).
9. i am not afraid.
10. i giggle.
11. i look for the quirky and the strange and the funny in everyday life.
12. 2 other professions i want to pursue sometime in the future: travel writing and photography.

those are my 12 (that i can declare in public anyway!).
i have to tag 2 more people, but am throwing this out for anyone who wants to do this. do drop me the link!

hare & thare

ok, this one i have got to ask in all earnestness… why do people from up north say “hare” for “here”? was there a formal change in pronunciation in that region that the rest of us in india don’t know about? i don’t mean to be prejudiced! its an honest question! the moment someone goes, “hare it is” or “what i am trying to say hare” or “hare we have tried to”, its like a bright flash of light… and i can only think, hmmm, probably from delhi or somewhere up north. and its true! anyone backing me up on this?!

randomness

it’s been almost 6 weeks since my last post. a combination of writer’s block (doesn’t that sound grand), lack of time and a short trip to singapore. however, i do have a quote of the month – which pretty much beats ‘we have no branch’ as well as the great Border Roads Organisation. the photo is courtesy Google Search, the caption is from an actual sign – i am not making this up!

i know they need to be creative, but this creative? how did they come up with a line like that? yeah the writer could have been eating a watermelon when he went… now wait a minute… red, green, but… idea! and maybe it was the same guy who wrote the BRO signs, switched jobs & decided that the city also needed his genius. there’s no-holds barred talent for you. eitherway, its a stunner.

the trip to Singapore ensured that i spent tons of money on what basically amounted to 3 pairs of shoes, 2 bags & some chocolates. when its Lindt Dark Chocolate with Whole Hazelnut, its of course money well spent! Haagen Dazs was the other beneficiary of my wanton spending. but then, chocolate is the answer to everything (even though many people might not agree with me) so I am not complaining. the rational effects of that shopping mania are just hitting me!
when i told a friend that i had shopped quite a lot, i was asked, was it anything useful? so i asked what do you mean by useful. smart ass reply: as a woman, you may not understand the difference between accessories and essentials, but just in case you do, that’s what i meant. all i could say was, hah (writer’s block continued).
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