Posts Tagged ‘ funny ’

Top 10 Types of Facebook/ Twitter Updates

Tweets, Facebook updates, LinkedIn updates… The pressure to answer that ‘what are you doing?’ seems to have afflicted all of us. Am sure your daily newsfeed is full of such updates, some that you enjoy, some that annoy and some that you just want to hide. Thought it would be good to categorize these (am guilty of some of these myself). You can share any that I have missed! And hey, don’t get offended. Chill.

1. The Location Flogger:
This person got onto Foursquare and got all excited, so linked everything to the Foursquare account. Now you know where this person is on a second to second basis. “AW checked into his own office” every morning, no doubt that’s where you should be… “at the international airport”… “at the shady bar down the street”… “In the 8th floor loo”… There isn’t a place the person hasn’t checked in. And soon become the ‘Mayor of random roadside streetlight”. Unless one is trying to establish an alibi for a murder investigation, it’s hard to see why every check-in is news-worthy.

2. The Self-Conversationalist:
This person believes that the way to talk to oneself is through the update. So the updates will be incomprehensible to anyone else. “JM said I rock in MZY 5 years ago & I think I am still the goddess of FGJKTY” Say what?! Who’s JM? What’s FGJKTY? You will never know even if you ask. You’ll probably get a smiley in response.
Or there will be something supposedly intriguing like “can’t stop smiling” to which some unsuspecting friend will say ‘I think I know why’ & the response will be “you think you know but I know you really don’t 🙂 🙂 🙂” at which point said friend will give up, as will everyone else. Until it’s repeated.

3. The Apportunist:
If an app has launched, it must be tried, & must be allowed to keep updating the status for everything possible that’s inane. Who’s my celebrity lover, what animal cub am I, dhongibaba ki bhavishyavani, boredville, flutopia, crystalballfengshuihorroscopetarotparrotiser, there isn’t a thing that hasn’t been tried and broadcasted and invites sent out for. In fact there are no updates of any other kind. The newsfeed is full of farms, animals, restaurants, wars, zoos.

4. The Self-Promoter:
Whether this person was featured in page 16, bottom-most corner buried beneath articles like ‘experts say exercise leads to weight loss’ & got exactly 5 words or whether this person’s tweet wishing Mallika happy birthday was randomly picked by Bombay Times as ‘Fans wish Mallika’, you will know about it. And not through the element of surprise either! This will be updated across Facebook, LinkedIn & Twitter so you don’t have a hope in hell of missing it. This will continue for any of the 15 bytes of fame this person gets.

5. The (Non-stop) Commentator:
This person wants everyone to know about everything that’s happening around him/ her, no matter how interesting (not). “f***ing traffic crawling at a snail’s pace”, “frequent flyer lounge seems to be less crowded today”, “guy next to me in the train is looking over my shoulder as I type this”, “there are crows kawing outside”, “driving, car next to me playing munni badnaam, it rockz!”, “Monday is here again”… No matter how innocuous, it will be shared.

6. The Ranter:
This person uses the status update as a venting machine. Whether it’s a product that isn’t liked or the GPRS has gone off or the Blackberry is hung or the favourite team is losing the game or the boss left early and he/ she’s staying late or the tea in office is bad… You get the drift. Everything sucks, or is #fail. In fact they are also most likely also say “my job sucks” when everyone including the boss can read it. You really want to tell them to calm down for fear of them suffering from blood pressure or heart ailments.

7. The Armchair Activist/ Critic:
A close cousin of The Ranter, this person could solve all the problems of the world, if he/ she were not tweeting or facebooking. Too bad they are too busy doing all this so they can’t run the country. “What was the govt thinking” “no other solution to inflation worries except…” “nothing in this country will ever work when so- and- so is minister”, “Kashmir issue can be easily solved if we…”, ” what was Chidu thinking”… No doubt there maybe some valid point, but constantly putting it up here isn’t going to change anything, is it?

8. The Quoter/ World Peace Finder:
Believes that he/ she can change the world either by quoting something deeply philosophical or spiritual or by writing messages about loving your brothers & sisters. “Let us pray together, I will pray for everyone’s happiness” “start your day with a smile & pass it onto strangers till it comes back to you”. The Quoter finds a famous phrase and shares it everyday, many times forgetting to give credit to the original creator, & amassing ‘likes’/ retweets with comments such as ‘wonderful’, ‘lovely’, conveniently pocketing praise for something someone said 200 years ago.

9. The Incomprehensible:
“lyf rockzzz n den getz u kut in peesez”. Self explanatory, right?

10. The Joker:
Funny guy with a great knack for punning and for finding the funny in everyday life. These updates are a laugh- riot and non-stop entertainment. Needless to say these are popular and appreciated and people look forward to them to brighten up their day.

Note: Any resemblance to person or persons is coincidental (or not)


The Best of SPAM

there’s no doubt that while spam email is annoying, its also probably the most entertaining time you’re going to have. aside from the usual, want a longer xxxxxxxx or what are you doing tonight… there’s a whole lot more that ranges from the hilarious to the bizarre.

1. colon cleanse support – Flush up to 20 Excess Pounds out of your Colon! uggghhhh

2. Derrick – Be Always Ready the yoda speaketh

3. :::::::::::: Be a man of her dreams with Cl@li.$ $oft T(a_)bs or V | /*\ g r @! buster. ::::::::::::
Did you know that Americans and Russians _________________________________

have SE>< more often than any nation in the world?

They do it approximately 130 times a year.

you can do it 365 times a year

and 366 when it’s a leap year!
how long did it take to come up with that?!

4. Maxim – Don’t manicure the man am not even trying!

you know you’re from mumbai when…

a post after a month… not doing too good at this!

having lived in mumbai most of my life, and also having lived in a hostel in a neighbouring state, in a small village, which was infested with mosquitoes & every other kind of insect imaginable… it has taken me until now to get… yes… malaria. and add to that, jaundice. double whammy of a different kind. probably finally proving that i belong to mumbai.

can’t have lived here and not have had malaria, jaundice or typhoid now, can one? as a result i have had lots of helpful advice from lots of people on what not to do. seems like everyone has had it at some point, or knows someone who does. maybe this was the final baptism. i could have done without it, but am afraid there’s no going back now.

forced to sit at home, had some random thoughts… kinda like this really old post.

1. you know you’re from mumbai when… (just a few more of them!)
– being at home, sick and therefore missing out on the commute during the bandra fair and ganesh visarjan actually makes you happy.
– hearing the sound of a loud auto-rickshaw everyday doesn’t make you get used to it, you want to throw a rock at it every single time.
– your mobile phone rings constantly and your bedroom becomes your true home – your office

2. TV advertising has to be at its all time low on quality. so many betas and their papas hawking everything from insurance to detergent to cellular services… where’s the idea?! but the most annoying ad has to be “what’s on your eyes?” said with a slap worthy pout. spectacles with brand mark… ideas with ZERO spark. same difference.

3. the desire to read a good paperback thriller lasts only as long as you actually buy the book.

4. you can get hooked to random american mainstream populist serials (whew!) really easily. and perceive a distinct drop in IQ at the end of it. i haven’t lost weight due to illness, my brain has shrunk!

5. eating food with no oil & giving up anything remotely sinful is akin to achieving nirvana.

6. visits from friends and relatives are better at getting you up and about than all those meds.

7. one of the most intelligent things i learned, were the lyrics to an old song sent by a friend – lyrics that i had completely forgotten (sorry, it really is funny, can’t resist going back to that topic!).

i want to play the game of love
i want you in the name of love
aye come here
not here up there in the sky
come with me i want to fly
don't stop let the whole world know
come fast come fast don't be slow

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